Jokes that crack me up today

Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?


Ram: I want to be a pilot.


Vinod: I want to be a doctor.


Deepa: I want to be a good mother.


Ravi : I want to help Deepa.

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A man is dying of Cancer.

His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying
of AIDS?"

Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom"

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What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
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A little gal just had her first period in her life, she was very afraid so she went to ask her friend little Johnny wat she did wrong that cause bleeding from below:

Little Johnny was very surprised and ask her to lift up her skirt to have a look, after doing that he replied:

"OH MY GOD, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE CUT YOUR BALLS OFF"
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An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
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A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone

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